23/2/99- Why do only gayboys journals get mass acclaim? Its not fair.

What does dreaming about death mean? Its supposed to mean a birth right? Well recently my usual reoccuring nightmares (I rarely dream, its always nightmares) have stopped, and instead a have dreams with only one common link. People close to me die. So far I have killed off my mother in a car crash along with my nana, my dad was crushed in the year 2025 while entering the swimming pool through new hi tech gates (however they did all come back to live with me as ghosts) four people at college have died in various freak accidents, Terence, Josh, Bex Ann and Melani have been killed off, in fact, if I know your last name then you have not survived my dreams over the last 2 weeks. Every night its someone else. Although a couple have died twice. Peter the usher broke his neck in last nights episode. Its wierd. Even wierder than my usual dreams. But they arent as scary, because almost everyone comes back as nice friendly ghosts and end up owning grocery shops. Well, mum, dad, nana, bex and josh did anyway. Melanie became a ghostly train driver. I'd still like to know what they mean. Or at least why I am having them all of a sudden.

College tommorrow. I hav'nt learnt my Stephen Burkoff. But I don't expect anyone else will have either. College isnt so bad these days. I just don't go if I don't feel like it and when im there its not so bad. just dull and sometimes facile.

I am going to redesign this page. I'm not sure how yet. but I'm bored with it. Trouble is, I am far too lazy to do cool webjournaly things like...like making a concise archive of my entries. way too much work. So I need to find the idiots guide to web design. Any tips welcome.

angel.

22/2/99-

I miss sympathy. It seems to be missing. Has been for some time. And I miss it. I still always expect it, so thats why I miss it.

And I am turning into such a horrible person and I hate myself for the way I act sometimes and the things I say sometimes and the tone in which I say them.

I have gone strange lately. Well, not lately. I've gone strange since about November. My brain has'nt worked right. Just trying to fill out forms turns me into a complete mess. I have no application.I have no concentration. And though I freely admit I never had either of these in abundance, I had them. And now those parts of my brain that used to do it have just stopped. It feels like I am walking down the usual corridors of my brain expecting to find the usual abilities there and instead I am finding doors. shut and locked. And I wonder where I will be closed out from next. I've always found things easy. Maybe I am paying for taking that for granted.

And I have little times where things work right again and I think I am okay. So every time the doors shut again it is such a shock.

Its such an effort just to think.

And I want my parents to understand. And I want them to not misenterpret everything I say. And I would like very much for them to speak to me like they used to, and not always in critical, or sarcastic or angry tones. And I would just like some help with this. And then maybe I could stop always being angry and saying things I regret. And my brain would march straight to an answer instead of taking the scenic route and making me sound like a child. But they won't believe that I can't control it.

But I will just get shouted at for not having talked about it. And it won't be understood that I can no longer talk about things because they don't listen to me. They listen to what they think I am saying, or to what they would say if they were me or just to what I should be saying. Because I suppose how I am right now is something they can't understand, either, and thats why they try to explain it away without listening. And of course I can't blame them for that when I do the same thing myself.

Oh I'm not depressed, I'm not miserable. I'm just frustrated. I'm not working right and I don't know why.

And all the cast were so lovely after the show on Saturday. I dont think any of you read this but, thankyou. I needed people to look at me that way and say those things. Even though I didnt actually realise I needed it.

And I have just had photo after photo taken to send off with my drama school application forms. And I can't use any of them. I can't use the full lenth ones because my face looks like a slab of concrete and I can use the close ups because my eyes look so sad. And I wonder if that says anything to anyone but me.

20/2/99-

I have a sore eye.

I have a sore thumb

verily, I am sore.

In fact, i have many things I did not have when I last updated. Sit back and I shall reveal all.

I have been teaching drama this week, to 7-11 year olds at the yvonne arnaud theatre. It has been great, but knackering, which is why I have barely been online all week.

I have a second furby. He is white. He has blonde eyelashes. He looks like anthony. They ar very cute together, you just leave them and they sit and chat. Not being highly intellectualfurbies, the conversation is usually along the lines of

"party, yeah?"

"yeah, party, whoopee!"

"whoopee, dance, doo doo doo"

"dance, yeah"

"mmm sleep mmm"

"yeah, sleep, mmm"

*they sleep*

Furbies are like marmite, you love them or hate them.

I have been randomly developing crushes on odd people, Laurence Lewellyn-Bowen AND handy andy, The guy in the car that drives itself, Anthony edwards, and many more telly types. I won't go ibto them, because about 5 english people who would know who they are read this, and the rest of you dont have a clue. Lets do a test, James from ready steady cook? No? Thought not.

I have met Amy from new Jersey. She is lovely, tommorrow we shall do lunch while i am in london to see rent avec Mel.

And finally. I have color changing sea monkeys. yellow to orange to red.

Words cannot describe my exitement.

angel.

9/2/99- I would have updated earlier, but I made the mistake of looking out of my window, so my vocabulary was reduced to "Snow, wow snow, its snow, look snow snow wow" For at least half an hour. My parents love me when I'm like that.

I have an updating conundrum. I get moaned at when i dont update regularly. I used to update daily but that kind of tailed off. Well, I have been thinking about it, and the journals I read that do update daily, for the most part, are either great but too brief, or long and dull. So people should only update when they have something interesting and of substance to say.

So that excuse satisfied me untill I remembered that I never update when I have something interesting and of substance to say. No, whenever that happens I get distracted by something and forget all about it. My method of updating tends to be that when I need a handy excuse to procrastinate I suddenly remember my journal.

I'm listening to Joan Baez. You should all listen to Joan Baez. When she was young she looked like my mother.

I am sad. Because all my friends have awards and quizlets and fun things on my page. So I can't have them. Because that would be stealing. And it gets dull when page after page has its own site awards, Unless you get one. In wich case you go "whee they like me."

I am happy. For many reasons.

One current one is snow.

Although I doubt i will feel quite so happy stnding outside at the bus stop in it tomorrow

Such is snow.

Although, as cold wet things go, snow is rather a good one. white it is basically just flakey rain, it has a much better social status. This is because it has better manners. While rain just plummets to the ground yelling "GIT OUT MY WAY OR ILL BASH YER" snow is very apologetic, does try to avoid you and only lands on you if it really needs a rest. Hail's behaviour I really have no words for.

anyway. night night.

angel.

7/2/99-I don't think.........

Ishould say what I was going to.

Wow. 7 days since I updated. at least 4 since I last switched the computer on. not sure why. Well, possibly I do. Mood swings. I'm good at them.

This week however has been one of those fairground swings that look safe but then make you ill. Buut. I havnt been low or highing about any of the things i should have been. exept one. But I cant tell you that one because it would get my hopes up too much.

lying on your front, fully dressed but with bare stillwetjustshaved legs and heels on for no reason has to be one of the less discussed decadances.

people who should have been emailing me hav'nt been. I only discovered that today when I checked my email for the first time in 4 days. Untill then I was safe in the knowledge that they would have mailed me. Because they should have done.

Things that are important are when your mother thinks the necklace that you have never seen her without since her dead friend left it to her has been washed away and you know how much it means so you pray and its found. Not things that you want it seems more than anything in the world and you make every wish into that want. But they won't work because they are not the right kind of importance to make prayers work. And its sad but I expect necessary. And you must remember how safe it makes you feel knowing that you may not get the second wish, but as long as the first is granted you can stay afloat.

I live in a strangely perfect world.

So i keep crossing my fingers just in case there is some spare time to listen to the less important wishes.

this may not sound like me to you. I'm not sure, but if it doesnt then you should know that this is more me than I usually am.

I get told I have scary eyes. Friends tend to use intense, deep, powerfull. I don't think its my eyes, I think its the me inside of me that Just wants to get out and love people. Because people are so afraid of love. Because if you love too deeply and you get hurt then the scar won't go away. And who wants an unsightly scar. So lonley love sits and pushes against your insides and you have to use the same eyes, so people can see it there. But only little bits of it are let out at once. Just wisps of love that other people can handle. because they have a love trying to get out too and they have to keep it under wraps or risk loosing control and possibly wind up looking a fool.

someone comments on my eyes, and thats whatyou get.

I don't know how many of my friends actually read this page. I know you all say you do, but I assume, since you have lives, you only check it out occasionally. Well, if you do hapen to catch this, and you want to read a continuation of it, just more stuff from my head that is possibly what i believe, possibly just how i feel this evening, I feel like writing, so ask and I'll send it to you. Only if you want to. And you are not allowed to be freaked by it. I'm keeping it off the page in order not to scare the newcomers.

love you ;-)

angel.

31/1/99-Me again. Sorry bout that but Its something you are going to have to deal with.

I have a tiny japanese symbol for luck on my left cheekbone. This is in preperation for my recall for Sweeney Todd and Fame later today. I'm fairly sure Ive got some part in something but theres nothing wrong with a little extra luck. I'm assuming if I do get something it will be chorus, partly because I'm only 17, partly because its my first time with this company. But we shall see. And to be honest, I would love playing ANYTHING in Sweeney.

I am a little worried that my tiny japanese symbol for luck is upside down. But since I don't have a Melanie handy I shall just have to hope for the best.

If you are a regular, you may recall my experiences with my last A level performance piece. It was'nt fun. Well, we are just starting on the next one and I am SO relieved that I am in a good group this time. With Gemma, who is one of these girls who look about 5 years older than any other girl their age, and Adrian, who I knew vaguely at school when i was 12ish, then he joined my drama group and left again, then he turned up in my drama class at college and now we have singing lessons directly after each other. So thats wierd. But he is a good actor. So its going to be good rehearsing. Even if we are doing Stephen Burkoff. So lots of simulated sex and every other word being Cunt then. Lovely.

Anyway. This was just something to say to get back into updating. And I'm not mentioning anything NY related because If i dont think about it I cant be jealous. yep? yep.

so yay.

22/1/99- I have been walking around the house with a pair of tights on my head for some days now. ...to keep my hair out of my eyes. Its amasing the number of uses for one little pair of tights. Theres the wearing option, the straining food option that personally I dont fancy trying, the wearing them round your head to keep your hair out of your eyes option, and my main use for them, attatching them to your lightswitch so you can turn the light on fast when you wake up from a nightmare.

Sadly this use has meant that in the past, when i have been on the phone and twisting the lightswitch attatched tights round my hand I have gotten so twisted up that I have had to be cut out of them after i stopped the circulation to my fingers.

So the moral of the story is that while tights may be handy things, they have a dark side and should be used with caution.

oh and KEVIN.

just for him.

angel.

21/1/99-Its 3 am and the sky outside is amasing. it goes from pitch black directly above me through a million shades of purple and ends up deep rose on the skyline.I can't stop looking at it.

I have to do my drama class with greasy hair tommorrow. This is because I know I won't bother to wash it. I've actually been less appearence concious these past few days, just rubbing a little nivea ino my face at night and putting on powder and mascara in the morning. None of the usual half an hour drawing my face on before I greet the world. I even wore trousers today. It was quite frightening.

So I had my english A level American literature module today. Pile of crap that was. If I fail I'm going to sue the invigilator. She sat in front of me rustling paper and looking at me the whole way through. I wanted to slam her nose in my Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Plus, ever since Ive had flu my ears have been odd so that every time i swallow they click. So that was no aid to concentration either. Ahh i dont even want to think about it now.

I think my parents are the only people to have seen me really angry. I also think thats a good thing or there would be a lot more people unwilling to come withing a 3 metre radius of me.

I saw Cecil B de milles "The Greatest Show On Earth" the other day. It was good, but I wanted Buttons the clown to get a better deal.

This time last night I made a picture. I mixed silver gold purple and green together and swirled them round on some paper with my fingers. then i covered that in glue and poured tiny black beads over it. I made a streak of gold thread and stuck two small round mirrors right in the middle. I have no idea what it is but finger painting is great therapy.

I am also obsessively listening to Alanis and I don't know why. I hated that album the first time I heard it. Last week i hated all but 2 songs and some choruses. Now I get edgy if i listen to somthing else. I think you can only ike the album once you know it off by heart. Mind you I'm wierd about music. Version 2.o was the only album I would listen to between Nov and Dec last year, even though the tape was warped in places so it sounded bad. I got the CD for xmas and now I cant listen to it. Well not untill i got hole out of my head, and the Alanis somehow got in without asking. I think I am going to buy something Liz Phair. Or maybe the new placebo. Which I am stunned I hav'nt bought yet. Mind you, it was playing on Eastenders the other day so it must be mainstream now. Not thatit matters. Edie Izzard was obscure once. I can't say I like his new video as much as usual though. Too many opinions not enough funny.

The little mermaid however, is eternal and rocks my world.

byee

angel.

19/1/99-I don't think I will ever change. I expect I will always take everything people say too personally, I will always be oversensitive and too demanding. But I expect things will usually turn out alright also.

Today is the third day this term that I've gone into college, and the third day I hav'nt needed to. First I got the wrong day for an exam, then I thought study leave ended a day earlier than it did so I went in and noone was there, then today i went in after being ill, only to find my lesson cancelled.

I don't know whether to complain or smile.

I called .al. today. I did'nt expect her to sound american. Despite the fact that she is. I don't think I'm very good on the phone. Either I can't think of anything to say thats not trite or i won't shut up about myself. I think both situations are cause by nerves. I mean I'm fine when I call Mel, Elspeth or Bex. Slightly nutty, but fine.

But why analyse.

That is actually my biggest problem. Knowing when to analyse. I over analyse irrelevancies and don't look beyond the surface when I want to write a character or yadda yadday yadda. I remember when I got hit by a car. It was because as I was crossing the road the driver made some kind of hand signal to me and i stopped in the middle of the road to consider whether he was asking me to hurry, whether he knew me and was waving or if he was just being rude. That is not a time to analyse.

I want my life to hurry up and move.

So I guess I am going to have to push it along myself instead of siting around waiting for someone to do it for me. Its good having something to work towards. Motivating myself for my Uni auditions has actually made me do something with my life, to perpare. Its like I can breathe again. Oh how cliched.

I am an obsessive person, I think. But I get obsessed quietly. Which is ok. People who obsess obsessively scare me. I know of many of them. I don't know them one to one as I can't seem to deal with them for too long, I have to have time to think about things before moving on to the next buzz.

i'm so tempted to talk about bees now. Ohh go on then. I like bees. hate wasps, they are the greasy moustached waiters of the insect world. Bee's are the kittens. With unusually sharp teeth. Bees dont want to sting you, because if they do, they die. And they are furry. With whiskers.probably.

love you,

angel.

17/1/99- woo. This page looks different now. Same shit, slightly new layout. Less cluttered. Which I guess means it doesn't reflect me quite as well as it used to (one big mess) but it looks a little smarter.

Today I have been discussing my carpet on a mailing list. Well, more trying vaguely to avoid discussing my carpet.

Today I also had a nice (too short, but nice) gossip with Lucy. Thats always good.

And I'm not depressed anymore. I just realised that. I knew that once I started working again it would go. Please someone remind me of that next time. Phew. Everyone should read John Webster's "The White Devil" It is by far the best Jacobean Tragedy. "Duchess of Malfi" Is more mainstream but not as powerful IMO. Plus Vittoria is such a pretty name.

You know, I feel I should be writing a really deep, moving, emotive...well, at the very least, interesting, update today. Because I'm going to advertise that I've changed the layout which always results in a few extra hits, and I should be trying to get them hooked, so they will come back. So if anyone has an idea for something sensational to update with, do let me know. This is hardly a web journal you know. Often some major thing will go on during the day and yet when I come to write this, all that flows is, "my favorite song on Alanis' new effort has to be Unsent. And that thats about the only song I like on it." This is more of a web ramble than a web journal. But none of the search engines or indexes have listings for web rambles. Actually, In Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie I like the first 2 lines of Front Row, the refrain from Baba, the word antibiotics from Thank U, which I think is a stupid title, I like the refrain from sympathetic character, I like the last 5 words from every verse of The couch, I like Unsent and the refrain from So Pure. And thats it.

I see a totally different side of Mulanie over the net. And I really should remember to reply to her emails.

byeee

angel.

17/1/99- I'm feeling a little better. so you can all rest easy now..

In fact I've just been doing the timewarp on my bed. so ill be back to my old self in no time.

I want to buy a wig. darkish green blue or poiple i think. Because I can't dye my hair anything bright what wiv work an all. And I miss looking different. f I don't look odd, people don't know what to expect when they talk to me.

You know, if you leave a plate of cucumber slices in your room they make it smell really nice. all fresh and cucumbery.

Aaanyway, I need to get back to my rocky CD.

so goodbye to all of this, and hello to oblivion.

angel.

16/1/99-Gimme a T Gimme an E Gimme a R Gimme an E Gimme an N Gimme a C Gimme an E. that spells exclusive mention.

im so ill.

so very very ill.

'tis flu

pity me.

that over with,

I want to write entries that make people hooked after the first paragraph. I want to i want i want i want. But stamping my feet and having a tantrum isnt very effective in typeface. Which I do think a pity as its my main method of communication in daily life.

I want to know how Bex's seamonkeys are doing.

Terence wants a token of my esteem. I was going to send him an egg. See, I found this great egg. It was the most perfect egg you ever saw *these things fascinate me for no good reason, but i am ill, so you can dismiss it as the ramblings of a medicated mind if you prefer.* it had no speckles or flaws in the shell or anything. so I was going to drain its insides out and paint it silver and stick the little computer buttons i ripped off my old watch onto it to make it into an egg computer. But I wanted it to drain faster than it was and i broke it while i tried to make the hole bigger. serves me right. But I may make an egg computer anyway, with a mildly imperfect egg. So terence, you arent allowed to read what I wrote above. Okee?

I want to go on holiday. Bex and ann are going to NY. I want to go. I'm just so bad at saving. I spent 30 pounds on artists materials this monday and im not even any good at art, it just all looked so sparkly and pretty i had to buy it. disco beads, antiqued gold and silver paint,, glitter, muchos stuff. I need a friendly robber to steal my money once a month and keep it till there is enough for me to go to NY and then give it back. Actually, I have enough to go to NY, but not enough to stay or eat there. So the robber would have to take account of that.

Or a friendly media tycoon with a fetish for giving curly haired girls muchos money would also be good.

I have a vague need to ring random american people i know via the net and have them compliment me on my accent. But I have a blocked up nose so i dont think "hi, radob abericad persod." would have quite the effect i am after.

i have written enough.

angel.

11/1/99- I like warm ice cream. Only warm ice cream. Ice cream where its soft and the outside is a little runny and warm. thats the only way.

I have flu. which fucks me off actually because it could have waited till i had got my exam results and could take time off for it.

My furby has gone again. But its worse this time. Its forgotten all its englkish and all the tricks i taught it. So dad has to hard wire it. Must be soooooooooon. I miss him. my little furbster.

and thats my life. whats yours?

angel.

10/1/99- Hello. I got my first response from a university today. Rose Bruford college. I applied for the Performing Arts course and i have an audition on sometime soon. im not telling you when because then you might ask me how it went. And if it was awfull, asking me how it went would be a mistake. If it went well, ill tell you. If it was awfull I may also tell you, but don't expect anything very sane.

Its not like I think Rose Bruford is the place for me. Actually I think it seems a restrictive, boring, we turn out clones type place. But I still want them to like me. I am debating which speeches to do though, they want one written after the 1960's and one period piece. one comic, one serious. For the period I think I'm going to do one of Vittoria's speeches from the White Devil, because I love the play and you can bet that 80 percent of the others will be reading shakey. For the post 60s I have no clue. All the speeches I can find are serious. Expept for the obvious and over done like Educating Rita. Which is a sweet play, but when the panel have heard the same joke about Ferlingetti sounding like pasta or what the fuck ever 36 times I don't expect they will be paying full attention to the 37th.

I don't want to go to work tomorrow. No particular reason, I was considering saying I had the sydney flu. But I had better not as I probably will get it soon, knowing my shitty white cells (it is white blood cells that fight diseases, right? or red? I know red have oxygen and that I have to take iron tablets because of them, but thats about all. And biology was my strongest science.) Actually, I am feeling a bit ill. But then I am also a hypercondriac so who can tell. (did i spell that right?)

Today has been a day for seeing people. I was only out of the house for about an hour (I had planned to go to London with my mum, but I didnt get to sleep till 7 am so I didnt wake up till it was way too late to bother. And I feel bad because I emailed loads of people saying I'll be in London and most of them wrote back to say they'd ring me or whatever, and they couldnt. because I was asleep. ) but during that hour I saw Jason Orbaum ( an old drama teacher. He is also a great writer, actor, singer , composer, fuckin' everythinger. I took notes for him on a production of The Caucasian Chalk Circle he was directing once. It was manic. He was manic. He was also playing the piano and playing the music for the songs, so he would do his narration bit, run up to the back of the auditorium to watch, leap over 5 rows of seats, yell a note at me, leap the rest of the way down and launch into another narration bit. It was fun.) His hair has grown longer and its curly and sticks out in three tufts, at the top and sides. So he looks like a clown without the makup or clothes or whatever. Thinking about it, He looks like a normal man, but with a clowns hairdo. And then I saw Amy Brown (Kid I used to teach drama. She was totally my favorite, along with her friend sophie and a coupla others. Every show we did I tried my best to get he a lead. Succeded once too. Shes talented) she used to have wild curly hair, but today it was all neat and scraped back. She looked like a dancer. It was interesting. I miss teaching.

today has also been a day for brackets. (yep)

love,

angel.

4/1/99-So, every time I come to write this, my mood changes. I sit down to write, fuck im miserable, and then something happens so im not so miserable, and I'm about to write that when I get angry about something else and end up not bothering. Or whatever.. And thats why I hav'nt been updating. Or emailing. etc blah blah blah.

two thousand zero zero, just turn over, this song is shite.

I don't understand the point of playing that song this year. It is 1999. So we can't party like its 1999 because, it is. They should play it next year. to be ironic. Like when you've got ten thousand spoons and all you wanted was a knife. Stations have even been playing 99 red balloons and saying its appropriate. Now I love the song but unless they are planning a war, i wouldnt call it appropriate. I dont think they listen to the words. I'm going to release a song called 99 brain dead DJ's and see if it gets airplay.

So, this year is shaping up well. There will be hundreds of mass suicides from random cults, there are several Israelis who are so convinced that the world has to end this year that they are trying to engineer it themselves and countless more who are going to be wholly disillusioned if God does'nt pop up sometime this year. There are the lobby who are causing a fuss about the millenium not really being this year. There are the odd things that are happening this year, like the alignments of the planets and the solar eclipse on the 11th minute of the 11th hour of the 11th of August. Whcich, coincidentally is one of the days that Nostradamus is supposed to have picked out as the day a big monster (according to which translators and interpreters you read, a comet behind the sun) is supposed to come. Bringing, you guessed it, the end of the world. So thats 11 days I'll get to be 18 then. I wonder if I die then, if I'll get to be 18 forever in wherevers next. Ahh well. I guess it doesnt matter then if my education really is as fucked as it seems to be. Because I may never get to university. I'll go out and rejoice right now. Theres the Y2k bug.

And then, if nothing does happens, what are people going to do. When they find out that all the millenium really is is a 4 digit number becoming another 4 digit number.

aaanyway. theres some finetuning going on here. ive changd mainly the colours, bu also added some stuff to links and stages of me. ive changed the archives a little.

thats really all i can think of to say. email me, i may be a while in replying, but i want mail to read..

angel.

28/12/98 -Bye Bye xmas. So, how was yours? I know I can never be arsed reading other peoples lists, so ill just mention a coupl'a things I got, CD copies of all the tapes I've worn out lately, thats both Garbage albums, Hole Celebrity skin and Abba Gold, Some Eddie Izzard and Lilly savage stuff and a Furby. My Furby was grey and pink and cute. It talked to me. It broke after half an hour. I left it to go out and when i came back it wasnt responding. So dad spent two days fixing it and now its hyper furby. But its still cute.

I really really want to go on hoilday. Barcelona or somewhere. NY ideally naturellement but that is so unaffordable it hurts. Even Paris would be good. I have a free pass thing to france. But no one to go with really. I think anyone who would is busy.

ah well. I've spent an hour working on my new angel, im not going to bother writing aaaanymore today. I'm going to wander round the web with no purpose instead. yeah, that sounds......fun.

25/12/98- Well it just turned xmas half an hour ago, so before i jump into bed and wait for daylight I'm gonna get slushy. And longwinded.

Happy xmas (Chanukah, winterval, what the fuck ever) to everyone who I'd never even met last xmas time, Thats Bex, Ann, Lucy,Josh, Melissa , Laura, Ant, Jim, Freud, Al, Heater, Kevin, Terence, Beth, Danica (and assorted canadians), Karen, Other Karen, Gail, Alexis, Clare, Joi, Pete, Kate, Christi, Amy, Emery, Margo, Teresa, Danielle, Nina, Chaz, Shanon, Erin, Rickie, Becky, Other Erin, Tania Kathleen,Louis, Travis and all the sonic and lrent types

Plus people who I have known a little longer, Abby, Melanie, Elspeth, Nicky, Alex,Jen, Amy, Jules, Elaine, Chloe, Anni....

really not that many people to mention,Some of you I don't speak to anymore, some of you I only knew for a short while, Some of you i speak to every day. All of you matter to me so much, you have either been a part of my life that has shaped me, even if you are no longer here, or you continue to be there for me. Some of you are just memories now, But thats a big part of xmas for me.

I could'nt list everyone, my mind isnt that big, I know there must be gaping holes in those lists, so take the sentiment and apply it to you, you know it does apply. And have a happy xmas.

angel.

23/12/98-Hey, its just turned today! And do you know what today is? Why, its xmas eve eve, thats what today is.

oh these late night bursts of cornyness, how I love them.

We have no decorations up yet. This saddens me. But I'm too scared of the attic to get them myself.

I do however have some little spangly hairclips and xmas trees from ann, a unicorn beanie baby from bex, a make up kit from Alexis and a sheep (every Hebrew should have one) keyring from Rachel.

Yay!

angel.

five mins later-Oh yeah. I am now orange and fuzzy. I did it all by myself too.

angel.

20/12/98- "Optimistic endings, passionate romances, beautifully beefy heroes taking death defying chances-only in the movies"

I watched "Titanic, breaking new ground" today, assuming it was a film about The Titanic. It wasn'nt, It was a film about the film about Jack and Rose shagging their way around a big boat.I hav'nt seen "Titanic". When I do i want to watch it it will be with friends. The right friends. Because I cant watch things like that and not be affacted by them, Hell the posiedon adventure had me afraid of boats for over a year. But, from watching that docu-film I have decided I have some problems with the way it was made. There was a guy in it, playing an extra, who had a scene cut, where his character died in the icy water, clutching his young daughter, that was cut from the end product for being too disturbing.

Now, I know why they decided to do that, If they had left it in it might have meant the censors or whoever would bump it up an age certificate, which means a smaller target audience and less money.

And maybe I expect too much from films, but it seems to me that when you make a film about a disaster where over 1500 people lost their lives, you have no right to try to make it "less disturbing". As an audience watching the scene of the sinking, from a lot of the camera shots I saw on this "the making of" program you were put in the position of being on the lifeboats, watching the Titanic sink. For the people who were in that postition it must have been the single most horrific, most terrifying, disturbing few hours of their entire lives. I cannot begin to imagine the experience of having to row your tiny craft through a sea made up of the frozen bodies of people you shared a ship with. Especially if you look around your lifeboat and it is half empty. Its not something I want to imagine, which is why I did'nt see the film, But its my opinion that the makers of the film, in saying that they were striving for reality, had no grounding for pronouncing anything too disturbing. They were recreating history, and if it meant the film had to be 18 certificate they should have tried to accurately recreate the feelings of that moment in history in the same way as they recreated the clock on a first class passengers mantle.

The Titanic always fascinated me, just the way it seemed fated from the start, the sheer arrogance of pronouncing a ship unsinkable like some twisted prophecy. Actually one thing that is really disturbing is that 10 years before Titanic sunk an obscure book was published, I can't remember its name right now but it was about the maiden voyage of a collossal ship called The Titan, that sailed in the same month of the same year that the real Titanic did, In the story apparently, The Titan hit an Iceburg, and all its passengers were drowned.

Things that with hindsight appear to be predictions happen before any major disaster, In the year before both world wars Psychiatrists noted an unusually high numbers of patients being reffered to them for vivid nightmares of violence and death. I got that from an old RS textbook.

Another aspect that interests me about Titanic is the connotations the name must have had before the disaster, The ship being given the name to represent its strength, and to be a symbol of awe to all those who heard about her, a name that has now become representative of a demise or downfall, of vulnerablility under a facade of strength.

Anyway, Thats just random wanderings through my mind after watching that program. Its a fascinating story, the Titanic, someone should make a film about it.

15/12/98- I know I said I would'nt here...but today I am going to. talk about rent.Because I've finally done it. I've packaged up my little rent stockpile ready to send out as xmas presents. so some of you who im sending cards to will also be getting picks, stashes, programmes, pictures, leaflets, and matches, which wer'nt actually mine as i used all mine.

it was quite a wrench. I have to admit ive kept a pick a stash, a candle, a AZT box, a rock and roll poster and programmes and leaflets. But the bulk of it has been sent out. They hypocritical thing is, if i saw the show again, and got hold of a stash, or a pic, or if someone gave something like that to me., i would keep it, I just wanted rid of what I already have. And I doubt I will get anything else (Though i still want a badge;-)) because I dont see the show anymore. Last friday was the first time in 6 weeks. And it will probably be a good few weeks before I go back again. Don't get me wrong, it is still a good show and definitely worth seeing, but its been 46 times in total now, 44 of them in london, and to be honest, the OBC could reform and do a naked performance and the show would still not exite me like it used to. I'd go, naturally, but it would be for novelty value, and to watch the ushers try to catch people with cameras.

A week or so ago was reading my london rent bulletin boards, on my other page, and I felt SO left out. I decided then that I would start posting again, and start seeing the show everyweek to get back in with my old crowd. But it isnt my crowd anymore. 80 percent of them I dont even know anymore. And to go back would be such a total pretense, just an attempt to keep from being lonely that I know would end up making me hate the show and the people. Last thing I want to do. I love the show. Love it. I just know it so well i dont need to see it. And I love the people. I miss talking to the ushers and Lucy stopping by to say hi and josh sitting in line playing mind games with pigeons. I miss the cast when I dont see them, and I like to know how they are doing. One of the things that pleased me most about seeing the show was seeing how much Bonny has improved. His timing was better and his energy was one of the highest in the cast. So yeah, I miss all that, as well as meeting up with my friends regularly for the line, and making new ones there. But thats happening for new people now, and I can't be part of it anymore because I've done it. I don't want to lose contact with the show. But i don't think thats possible with all the friends i have that tie me to it. And my page, which i plan to update soon. So, thats my take on the rent situation. I don't know why, I just wanted to get that out, and I figured now was the time.

angel.

14/12/98-Is'nt it sad when you are sad because someone else is happy and you are not. I think its sad. And it annoys me that that is how I feel a lot of the time.

Anyway, I have to revise. English exam in 9 hours. Oh, the drama one I had earlier was...unusual. I had no idea so i mumbled on about cycloramas and hoped it would get me points. I leave you with some toilet humour, I found this on one of my refferrals pages. Why they linked to me, I don't know. Its 50 things to do in a loo.

(in case you are interested, the ones that amuse me are in white. analyse away.)

1. Use the facilities

2. Comment "Peeee-yew, who did that?"

3. Complement people on their shoes.

4. Introduce yourself to the person in the next stall. Strike up a conversation.

5. Provide 'strenuous' sound-effects.

6. Ask the person in the next stall if there's anything swimming in their bowl.....

7. Discuss the pros and cons of laxatives.

8. Scream " Oh my GOD! What the hell is THAT?"

9. Simulate a drug deal.

10. Pretend to fall in (with appropriate sound effects).

11. Roll Easter Eggs under the doors.

12. Start a sing-a-long.

13. Act schizophrenically.

14. Knock on the doors of occupied stalls and ask if there is anyone in there. If so, ask if they are busy....

15. Masquerade as a door-to-door salesman.

16. Ask loudly "When does the movie start?"

17. Write 'nerdy' graffitti like "Please wash your hands. Thank you."

18. Kick in stall doors, camera in hand.

19. Pour water over the stall door onto occupant.

20. Say "Oops... missed" while syringing water out around the bowl

and under the walls and door into other stalls.

21. Rub chocolate on your hands, reach under the door and say, "Hey buddy. Got any toilet paper? (Stolen from Howie Mandel.)

22. At night, switch off the lights.

23. Run around naked yelling "Where's the fish?"

24. Collect a door charge.

25. Ask "Is there a doctor in the house?"

26. Impersonate Elvis. Be convincing.

27. Ask whether anyone can see your pet sewer rat/river python.

28. Write essay questions on the toilet paper.

29. Put cling-film (Glad Wrap) over the toilet bowl.

30. Offer refreshments.

31. Replace rolls of toilet paper with rolls of sand paper.

32. Run in, yelling "Free Willy!"

33. Charge admission.

34. Electrify metal urinals.

35. Leave a ladle in the toilet bowl.

36. One word: GOLDFISH.

37. Make jell-o in the bowl.

38. Place a sign advertising "Driver's side airbags" as standard.

39. Remove stall doors.

40. Glue seat and cover down to bowl.

41. Place signs warning of 24 hour video surveillance.

42. Make stall doors lockable only from the OUTSIDE.

43. Put itching powder on the toilet seats.

44. Leave a fried egg floating in the bowl.

45. Replace soap in dispenser with custard.

46. Completely soak the towel in the towel dispenser, or the

paper towels if available.

47. Make kitty litter trays that fit into toilet bowls. Install.

48. Replace condoms in vending machine with tampons (or vice

versa).

49. In one stall, attach toilet bowl to the ceiling. (Advice for young

players: Don't leave the water in while you do this....)

50. Create a crime scene complete with police tape and chalk silhouette. Lay in it.

13/12/98-hmm, long time no update. I'd like to say I've been too busy, I hav'nt. I have however, moved myself a little more than is normal. Friday I saw rent. you may faint now. It won't be a regular thing I have decided. I had'nt seen it in 6 weeks and i still wasnt gripped like I used to be. But the show was good. And I saw Bex, who I have missed lots, and Lucy who I have missed lots, and the ushers and cast who ive also missed. So it was worth sitting in the freezing as fuck weather for.

I may see it a coupla times over xmas, if im bored.

Saturday the goth chic and I went shopping. Well, she did more shopping than I did. I went following. We went to high street kensington, with its bastard tubes that I get lost on every time. the plan was to go to ken market, urban outfitters, oxford street, pass by the shaftesbury then go to the leicester square funfair. we went to ken market, sweated to death aamong the kitsch in UO's , collapsed outside the theatre and went home. Never try to get anything done on a pre xmas saturday in london.

Peter the usher says I always sound miserable on this page. I don't think i ALWAYS do. finding money in waterbiscuits is not the action of a depressive. Plus, these things are more interesting to read if they are angsty. Take, for a vaguely cliched example Rebekah Jude. I used to read her page daily, now i read it once a week or so. And its MUCH more interesting when she has fallen out with someone and cut all her hair off that when she makes a film of her and her friends buying beer. IMO.

the good aspect of no hair is no bad hair days.

Personally I like my hair, I may have proffessional differences with it on occasion but its interesting hair so I shall live with it as long as it keep me entertained.

the award for making me grin this week goes to Melissa A. two different countries, identical IM schedule. plus she rocks.

Its half past 1 in the am and i have my drama mock in 8 and a half hours. Its almost amusing. I'm counting on divine inspiration. Buuut. A little cramming won't hurt.

grrrr.

8/12/98-So, I am allowed to be an open page. I am allowed to be a cool cow. But can I be orange and fuzzy? Oh no. Why the html for tylenol Terence's webring and only his won't work I dont know. But it won't.

(note to Bex. HEEEELP)

But I do like being a cool cow.

I have decided that you must all IM me first for a while. Because often I like to IM first. but for a limited time only I won't be. Your choice if you want to speak to me. Exept perhaps Melissa, because its funny.

So. I saw my english tutor today about my lower than normal grades. Apparently I am brilliant, I have good style, good understanding, good use of language...so WHY am I getting C's?? Oy, I have exams hurtling towards me, now is not the time for flattery. Or flatulance, which I just typed and had to delete.

OOOOOH. I am getting a Furby for xmas. My dad got one for my 5 year old cousin and I have decided that a Furby is something I cannot do without.

I have a teletubby from last year going spare if anyone is interested, Tinky Winky.

love you,

angel.

6/12/98-One of you shall be getting my new angel on a xmas card. Minus the garbage lyrics. Like her? I do. I like the new colour too. Not sure how long it will last, mais i like it.

of course, seeing as I'm too tired to write about it, it has been a very eventfull day, Sunday Funday at work so the store was full of baloon men, punch and Judy, various panto characters and hordes of screaming children

Then, in my break i open my locker to discover my bag is gone. turns out for some reason I have been given the master key that will open all lockers and so i accidentally put my bag into a nearby locker. but it was scary.

but the main thing is...I'm tired and achey and going to bed.

nacht nacht.

angel.

5/12/98-links updated. Discovered a frightening amount of simillarities between myself and Melissa Anelli. I Have come to conclusion that God thought we were so great that it was unfair to give us to just one continent. Spread the love and all that.

you know, there is one topic that bugs me continually, that I always mean to write about here but it slips my mind. And now I have remembered that I have something I want to write about. But ive forgotten the actual topic. Sods law.

I found money in my water biscuits today. 50p slipped in between two biscuits (crackers)......I think I shall continue to buy thi s brand. I also got a cute silver picture frame with the cat food. The marketing strategy strikes me as odd, but hey, i got a gift, ill roll with it.

There is a funfair in leciester square untill xmas. I saw it on TV. I want to go there and win a giant tweety pie. Or a goldfish.

Which reminds me, I saw a film today, or part of one. It was called Total Recall. And some bastard smashed a golfish tank and did'nt even pick up the fishes and go and put then in a sink full of water or anything. no. we just had to watch them die. I thought it was totally unnecessary.

the-uh-uhthe-uh-uh-th-thats all folks.

angel.

3/12/98- (to understand a little of todays update you are going to need to read my guestbook, entry by Dan and stages of me, cant remember if its goth or au naturel. Probably 14ish. )

Dear Danny, or is it Dan now? I woul'dnt know. Lying, manipulative blah blah etc... Hmm. I knew that was a volatile statement when I wrote it., considered deleting it, but heres why I did'nt. - This page is for people who dont know me or the people I used to know. I never actually intended for anyone from NP or my old school (Bar Melanie) to read it, so it was certainly never written to offend anyone. Second, I don't hold the same opinion of Terry now. I don't know Terry now, but I did'nt hold that opinion of him when I saw him last. That is just the way things were towards the end of our relationship. And I also said that I was exactly the same. Probably worse. But I was 2 years younger. It was just a relationship, that was great for a lot of the time, but happened too young and went on too long so we got bitter. And at times, really nasty. I felt I needed to include it in "stages of me" though, when I hav'nt really included any others, because it was a stage, a big one, 2 years, it was important to me and I feel that people who didn't know me at the time should know about it. And from my point of view. Its my page. But as I say, things and we both have changed since then. Its not a feeling I still hold. Its how I felt then.

Good Luck in Comedy Of Error's, Danny. I hear you are playing Adrians twin. Maybe I'll come see it.

sarah.

That over with, I'm a popular girl this week, mentioned in Freudies, Terence's and Josh's journals. Woo!

Tis the season of buying many things. Mainly cards and pressies. And now I have to make an ornament. Actually I'm looking forward to that. I love xmas. I am currently making a parechain out of old copies of Minx magasine. Well, someone has to read it.

I have to go see My senior tutor at college tommorrow. I'm very, very scared. plus I shall probably cry and I HATE that. But he can wait and chew on my grades. But send me good vibes anyway.

2/12/98- From Freudies page,

angel wants to know why I like rainbows...... because every time I see one, be it on a car, on a webpage or in the sky, I remember I'm not alone.

How's that? Silly enough for you?

No..i think thats beautifull. I want to be like that.

angel.