i suppose the main downside to working at ticketmaster is that I think the call center manager may be a Goblin. He certainly looks like a Goblin, with a little bald head and hair at the sides maybe to disguise two pointy ears. He wears his shirts unbuttoned half way down his chest and has a Gobliny way of walking that makes me uneasy. Still, hes probably a very nice Goblin.

And I have my suspicions that one of the stars of new musical BoyBand may be an alien.

Actually that was a joke between me Bex and Calvin. I dont really think he's an alien, he just resembles one. On the Goblin matter, though, I am deadly serious.

my computer is having issues with letting me use the net. Actually its not my computer, its my ISP. Its one of the new free ones, but I dont see the use in its being free if it never lets you connect. Even if it allows you that privilege it wont let you go anywhere. Harumph.

My crush is still the subject with the most space to swim in my brain. Dont be fooled, If I am watching telly, reading a book, typing my journal entry or talking to you about spanners, I am really thinking about him. You are talking to autodrive me.Still thats not always such a bad thing. It can be more fun than talking to the real version. Certainly more coherent.

He is the most distracting thing when he happens to be working at the same time as me. Which is as often as I can manage, obviously. I pick my booth carefully so I can watch the top of his head while I'm on calls. What I really like about him though, physically, is his neck and his eyebrows. I havnt actually had enough courage to speak to him in days. Well, hes never close enough.

I like having a crush, a lot. I just hate having such an unattainable one. Yich.

But I am improving in the realism stakes. Hes not a TV star, not gay, nor have i only ever spoken to him online.

I am getting more contact lenses tommorrow. Unfortunately this also means i have to have an aftercare appointment before they let me have more. Thats tommorrow also. Great, I am really looking forward to a morning of women with hygiene problems squirting orange dye into my eyes and asking if i can see the red or green light clearer. Plus, it always fucks up my eye make up.

i took most of my posters down today. room now has more spacious appearence.

hmmm. many small paragraphs suggests crappy concentration. so now, i will sleep.

I only now remember how you tell if it is real. It hurts. A certain undefinable way. Now, I know my hurts and highs are nothing compared to what several friends are experiencing now, but in my personal world they are deep and huge, and, well, this page is about me, isnt it. So allow me to indulge. And bear with me.

So, I have started a new job. And he is there. For these purposes he is F, in case someone at work finds this. Work is ticketmaster, and I am now a fully trained Sales op (just) meaning I take credit card phone bookings for theatre and events nationally. Almost as exiting as the bedlinen in the last job. I met F on my first day, and although we didnt really speak, I watched him all the time, and was struck by simillarities to a friend, in his movement, speech patterns, phrases, humour - thinking that was all I saw. The next day, although still barely having spoken to him, It registered that the simillarities were largely superficial, he did have a lot of the good aspects, but none of the bad, and he was just different. I cant find a trace of temper in him, he cares about people although I would'nt call him selfless, selfless people often annoy me. He seems eternally happy but behind his speech and eyes sometimes you can see traces of something more, not hidden but not presented in his perona. He is a man of opposites, outgoing warmth, with eyes that in their darkness display something cold that intrigues, carefree but driven, happy, but you can feel that he has been hurt somehow and learns from that daily. Casual and eloquent. Now I knew I had a crush, although, outwardly he was nothing I would list on the dream man itinerary. A crush, fun! Its been a long time since Ive had a real one of those, the kind where inadvertant contact inspired a short gasp of breath, and when he touches you your blood warms with pleasure. You check over every utterance for traces of something deeper.

I got talking to him more, gained confidence and familiarity, not enough to be a friend but we shared personal jokes just by looking at each other. I wouldnt guarantee that he would cross a street to say hi, but I know he would be there for me if it mattered. Maybe I am talking in opposites now.

And then, I realised how rarely I will see him in the future, have an opportunity to watch or talk to him. And it started to hurt. My gut twists when I think about him. Don't misunderstand me, I'm not confusing this for love, love isnt something I have experience of, but I know that it is so much more powerfull than a crush. So much. The most I remember feeling for someone was for Peter, thats no secret, I asked him out enough times, it was an attraction that lasted 3 years, but I dont remember the pain being this way. An odd mix of hurt and happiness, because its worth it entirely to know I can feel this way.

I very much doubt the attraction is returned. I am not foolish enough to think that I am anyones dream, and he is older than me by at least 4 years, likely more. So I'll put the wishes and hopes on the back burner and get on with things, Tickemaster is such a nice place, everyone I've met has been great and I think I'll love it there, but I cant deny that he is a part of that. And I can't stop thinking about him yet. I dont want to.

Plus there are always maybes.

angel.

ugh. My computer hates me, my tv hates me, EVERYTHING i like to use hates me. So, I cant recieve email. screaming net wont let me for some reason. i havn gotten any mail this weekend and i dont know if i ever will get it back.

and this morning my TV died. I dont know if it will work again either. so I am pissed off.

If you need to mail me, use the abh66@dial.pipex.com one, but its hard to check so i dont do it often. send copies to my screaming net address in case it starts working again any time soon.

After my little updating spree of last week I know you expected more. but i have been staying up all night playing sim cinema and nanosaur. Me, who never plays computer games. I think the A level stress is getting to me. speaking of which, i have 2 tommorrow. hence this update will be very short.

in summation, im pissed off, tired and stressed. But im fine really. ;-)

oh, and by the way, we are now a 3 furby household.

love

angel.

00.03am 31/5/99

You know, all I have been able to think about today is how soon I could update and move yesterdays update into the recent file.

Film I most want to see right now is Cruel Intentions. I have no idea whether it will be any good but I liked the trailer. I really am seeing so many more films than usual lately. I go for months without nearing a cinema and then suddenly get back into it. recently I've seen, "Get Real" "She's all that" and on thursday I am seeing "Happiness" immediately followed by "Bedrooms and Hallways" and I want to see "Cruel Intentions " and "10 things I hate about you". But I wont be going within a mile of a cinema showing matrix. no matter how good it is supposed to be. Keanu. Yuck. My favorite time to see films is at lunchtime, for the first showing. Its always either empty or has so few people in its not worth bothering about. And then I go and sit by the edge of the river and feed the ducks.

I dropped my sensitive plants yesterday. My sensitive plants were one of my few fauna sucess stories. Literally, any plant entering my room, no matter how lush and healthy it is, or how good I am to it, withers and dies. But I bought this little packet of sensitive plants (their leaves curl up when they are touched) from covent garden and planted them in some synthetic peat supplied with them. Their instructions said seedings would start to show in 2 weeks. Mine appeared in two days and were big enough to repot in a week. So yesterday I dropped them. All over my bedroom floor. Admittedly I did save 16 of my little seedlings, but thats no many compared to what I had. I was sad. but ive repotted them in my plant turtle and they grow on. Did I tell you my seamonkeys died? All of them. Something poisoned them. I was actually upset, I threw out all my little collection of sea monkey paraphenalia. OH I have just remembered what I wanted to say.

Have you seen The Real World, Seattle? I NEED their house. I would bathe in bleach and razorblades for that house. Need it. There are many other things I need. Care bears, nice plates, a flat in london, money. Actually, I am getting paid tommorrow. Sadly, me being stupid and impulsive, I have already spent more money than I am getting paid. so it wont be spend on sarah money, it will be debt paying money. But I remain optimistic of a lottery win. I just have to try not to spend my win before I get it.

I am going to the countrys biggest agricultural fair tommorrow. Its held in the park next to my house and I have been going since I was a baby. I have hoping to find some cheap one off exiting thingshidden awy on one of the stalls. Failing that, the home made lemonade from the food tent is always nice.

angel.

(angel@lifesupport.screaming.net)

The weight issue. This was mainly sparked off by a lovely email from Melissa A that made me cry.this is in reply. So today I am going to talk about weight. And please, if you respect me, read it, it might make you think, and if you are overweight I know you will empathise with a lot of it. Some stories/quotes are taken from the site www.fatso.com but I decided not to just link to the relevant bits because I know how rarely I make the effort to follow links, and this is important to me.

I am fat. Not just a little, very. Its not something I talk about often, because its not something I like to think about often or something I like to impose on other people. It is however a large part of every bad feeling I have about myself. Its something I hate talking to people about. Its humilliating, and when you are talking about it, you cant try and pretend its not real, which is something most fat people do most of the time so they dont end up hidden away in a locked room. And that can be so tempting at times.

I am not a "fat activist" I am not proud of what I weigh, it makes me miserable and insecure. But that is not down to the number of pounds I carry with me, its down to peoples attitudes towards it. Obesity is one of the few things we are still allowed to hate openly in our society. I have been abused because of my weight all my life. from being pushed, to being ignored to having stones thrown at me. If the treatment I recieved was because I was black, or openly gay people would be shocked, but because I am fat, its to be expected. Its funny. Some people may find it shocking, but lets be honest, who hasnt used the word fat, or something connected with it, as an insult, ever? I know I have. And i feel guilty, but I have. Its almost part of our culture, fat is used as an alternative for bitch. People do it entirely without thinking, and I cant blame them for doing it when its near enough part of our culture. I just want them to know that every time they do it it hurts. But its something I am too embarassed to say. No matter how often it happens, those unthought of insults cause real pain. every show or advert where a fat person is the "comic" character hurts, and helps to instill this acceptable hatred into culture.

I never knew about this :

Fat Doesn't Kill, Fat Hatred Does

Brian Head died March 26, 1994, right before economics, in his classroom at Etowah High School in Woodstock, Ga. Brian was killed by a gunshot to his temple. Brian aimed and shot the gun himself. Brian was smart, wore combat boots, and worked with the drama club. Brian was 15 years old. Brian was fat. The Atlanta Journal reported that teacher Bill Watkins was on hall duty just outside the classroom where Brian was being tormented that day by a student who pulled his hair and slapped him.

Brian was shy and fat, often a target for cruel jokes. Freshman Chris Gantz said students made fun of Brian all the time, and that he got beaten up a lot. It was obvious the taunting hurt, Chris insisted. Sophomore Jay Ireland commented that students had made fun of Brian's weight and how he looked since he was in seventh grade. The last thing Brian said before killing himself was "I'm tired of it"

I think I should have known about it, I think everyone should. Although suicide is something I myself would never contemplate, there is something about breathing that I enjoy too much, I can appreciate exactly why it happened. How he was made to feel so bad every day that he couldnt face another one. And it should have been stopped. Compared to most, I have a very sheltered life. I cannot comprehend how bad it must be for those who dont. For me, I rarely get insults from aquaintances anymore, the classmate tauntings have stopped and the only intended insults are from strangers, going by in the saftey of their car or their group of friends, who find it amusing to stop and yell at someone whose outer appearance is all they understand. But the unknowing hurts will never stop, not untill I lose this weight, which I intend to do. But its not easy. There are extreme methods, which are not safe, and there are correct methods, which can take years. In the meantime I have to contend with people who see me and subconciously picture me as someone who is, ugly, lazy, a slob, incapable of hard work, stupid and unequal to them. At times, I can be all of these things, exepting the last, but none of them go to make up the full picture of who I am. Some people never get to discover that because they see me as different. And that scares them away.

This is something someone else wrote, for the fat,so? site.

"You all called me fatso, and hungry hungry hippo and referred to me as a planet and made me feel like the last person anyone would find attractive. And I loved you all. You were some of my best friends. I still dream about you. I still laugh with you. I still scold you for smoking behind the school, my indignant 13-year-old voice being very serious. I still listen to the broken-hearted stories, the beyond kisses stories, the I-can't-stand-her confessions. I still missed you after all those years. Our small classroom in my mind, 12 desks filled with my family.

After all those years, I remembered the many names that came tumbling across the room to me with giggles. I moved them with me this last decade, forgetting them for a while, and then finding them hidden in a shoebox in the closet, behind the yearbooks. I knew that's who I was and who you all were, and mostly that that was a part of being that age. So, 15 years later we all reunite. So much love and curiosity and awkwardness. Such strangeness to be face to face again. I am the same height and twice as big. We all talk and I find myself bringing it up to you. I tell you all, without an ulterior motive, without even realizing it, "Yeah, you used to call me fatso."

You don't remember, genuinely. "I would never do that," you say.

You completely have no memory of it. It wasn't important enough to remember. I tell you you did say it, and you apologize, saying, "I can't believe I did." I think of those days, five days a week, six classes a day all wrapped up in brown butcher paper with hungry hungry hippo scrawled on it. I think of how that one boy I longed for so bad tells me at the reunion that he had a crush on me too. I think of how different my life would have been if I had known that, if we had dated, if I'd been one of those dating-kind-of-girls. And yet he was one of the worst offenders. It seems strange to me after all these years to think that maybe all you grew up seeing me as was me, and not some class punchline. I think about the people who didn't come to the reunion, and how I wish they had come. I think of what I might have said to someone back then that I have no memory of."

It sounds like she had a far better time than most of us. Although she felt the same hurt for the same reasons I did. Maybe she just coped better. She could call these people friends. I always wanted to, but stopped in the end, tired of being told that thats not what I was, or of realiseing too late that I was being used. I still have this craving for being the most important person in someones life, its a craving that hasnt helped me, and one that i do my best not to show now, because I know how much it scares people. Don't misunderstand, I have a lot. I also have a lot more than I used to.I have friends who i KNOW care a lot about me, even if I dont always accept that in my warped vision of myself, most of them are at least 5 years older than me, though not all. I have parents who love me and protect me and I do not have a bad life. I just dont have the one I want, who does, its just hard knowing it could be so much better if I was thin. And I will be.

Being fat is not a good thing. It is unhealthy, it can be a contributing factor to so many dangerous conditions. For me personally it restricts the parts I am able to play. But the experience should not be made worse but the attitudes of our culture and society. Being overweight is NOT the fault of everyone who is but even if it were, it is not an excuse to treat fat people like lesser members of society. I know I am not the only person who feels this way. And that is what is so sad.

enough of that. There is a lot more that could be said, but I dont want to go further right now.

oh, and note the new email address below.

angel.

1.30 am 28/5/99

I said I would update today, didnt I. Trouble is my mind is utterly blank now that I've sat down to write, so this is likely to be very much stream of conciousness stuff. (oh who am I fooling, it always is, I never prepare anything) Its been something of a nothing day today. Oh wait, I got a job offer from ticketmaster this morning, or rather I got the details of an offer they made yesterday while I was sitting an exam, but thats not important. The pay is more than I had been expecting, 4 pounds 50 an hour, with a minimum of 20 hours per week. I have agreed to go on the (unpaid) 3 day training course, but If I get offered any of the other jobs I applied for, particularly the stage door job, I will most likely take that instead. It doesnt sound too bad though. Want to hear the legistics? I bet you do... You have to make a commitment of 3 months, with no holiday for the first two months, however what days/shifts you make up your hours with is very flexible so I will be able to take days off for auditions. I get 2 p commission per ticket I sell which should apparently add up to around 80 pounds a week. After I have worked 200 hours I get a 100 pound bonus and a pay rise. So its not too hideous. Its just not what I visualised myself doing in a few months time.

So we shall see.

Other than that...my mother found a dead baby starling in our garden today. under the bird table. no marks on it, nothing. It looked quite peacefull. Our small garden is constantly filled with birds, thanks to the hanging feeders we have and mother putting out bread and raisins for them daily. Right now it is crowded with babies, as all last years babies bring their children back to the all you can eat restaurant they remember. They make such a noise but its lovely to have them there. The sad part is seeing the hurt ones that come here to die. Dad had to shoot a pigeon the other day. Its given me a steady supply of nightmares since. Although I do appreciate how necessary it was. My mothers side of the family are country people, fox hunters, they know to get out of the car and kill mixy rabbits because they will only spread the disease, so I'm used to it, but in no way de sensitiveised to it. And Bex and I seem to have a bad track record with keeping pigeons alive. But theres something about birds. dead or hurt birds are just awfull to see.

aaaanyway. I went into town and explored the TY beanie shop. I really am becoming sadly addicted to them, along with furbys (Oh I want the patriotic furby more than life) my little ponies and care bears. But I'm nothing compared to the americans with all of them. I have about 6 in total. None of them cost more than 10 pounds. I bought a beanie baby magasine today that had an article about a woman paying 22,000 pounds for a little red beanie bear. oy. I just like the cute ones. I wont buy the spiders or jellyfish or ugly yucky ones on principle. The, they might be worth something, bit is just a sidline to cuteness. I am thinking of putting up a list of the various cuddlys and beanies I want....sometime before my birthday maybe ;-) And no one who wants or has starwars toys is allowed to criticise me.

Then I considered buying a book to cheer up my currently depressed about something mother. But she wanted Ted Hughes and I don't think he does much for depression. And the mamas and the papas cd she wanted was too expensive. This is working off the what she didnt gets from her last xmas list. So maybe we will go clothes shopping together sometime instead.

I saw the film "She's all that". I liked it. although its not the film I thought it was, which is, I believe "10 Things To Hate About You" or something...

Then I sat on the grass by the river, that was the best part of my day. which was, all in all, fairly mundane, but hey, I managed to make it last five paragraphs.

angel.

2.43 am 27/5/99

Its a temporary change, I think. I like the title, although this page could never be considered avant guarde. I have been looking for something new to do with the page. I doubt this is the final thing. Its just little pictures I drew in an hour and I know it doesnt look fabulous. And, to clarify, since I have been asked twice so far, the big white blob in the middle is a lilly. Or my interpretation of one. I hav'nt been updating because I have been so bored with the page. So I decided I wouldnt update untill I changed the page. This is my compromise. A transitional change. Although It does stay untill I find something better. Which could be a while. The links are all in the imagemap above, although I will also hide them below in case it doesnt load or I've fucked it up insome way. Oh yes, and the pictures are all mine, drawn by me, so don't steal them. (HA!)

So. I didnt get into university. Or drama school. Or anywhere essentially. I applied for 6 universities and six drama schools. And yes, I am predicted good grades, it has nothing to do with that. The fact is that each one of the drama courses I applied to is entry by audition only, and each one recieves well over 2000 applicants for 20 to 30 places. So it is hard to get into. But, untill now, I always had the confidence that I would, because it mattered, matters SO much to me.

There are lots of reasons, I guess, why I was'nt accepted anywhere. Although it is just guessing as they dont give you any feedback, just a rejection letter. Several places asked why I was applying so young. I'm still 17 when the average school leaver is over 18, and most drama courses have a 40 percent intake of mature students (over 21) so that did decrease my chances. Then theres my weight. No one mentioned that but its obviously an element. It makes casting difficult and too many people make the assumption that if you are overweight then you are incapable/unwilling to do hard work. Particularly physical work required on drama courses. Of course the other possibilities are that the auditioners didnt like me as a person or didnt rate my ability.

I suppose I am taking it better than expected. Although there is this hurt and worry that is constantly there now and it has done nothing for my self confidence, thats to be admitted. But I suppose I hav'nt really dealt with it yet. I havn't really talked about it to anyone, exept Bex and Josh briefly, and then not about my feelings on the issue. I'm not even sure what they are. Lets see. I feel let down by the education system that has promised me all along that I will get results for hard work and good grades. I know drama courses arent academic and so grades really are'nt an issue, but having spent 10 years of my life at a private school where the pressure is piled on to achieve it leaves me wondering what it was all for. I feel concerned and worried about the future, I never considered the option that I would have nowhere to go next year. If I didnt get into drama school there would always be university to fall back on. I never counted on them not wanting me either. So I'm looking for work, I have applied for stage door work, and, failing that (yich) ticketmaster. But I dont want to work. I want to train. I feel like I am missing out on being a student. But I can't compromise and take another course, even for a year. I've been criticised for that, told that if I cant do something that makes me happy I should settle for something that makes me moderately happy. Its not an option for me. I am not happy now and it is possible I never will be but I have to keep working towards that goal or I will have let myself down.

My confidence may have been shaken but my drive is not. In some ways I wish it was, I would certainly have more options open to me then. People like my father who see work as work and as long as they are doing something interesting all is well, do not realise how lucky they are. To not have such career ambition. There is only one career option open to me and that is performing. It limits me greatly, but its something I can't move away from. If I went into other jobs which vaguely interest me, Journalism, marketing and pr in the entertainments industry, which I'm sure I could make a go of if I put my mind to it and potentially could be far more successfull at than as an actress, I would never stop thinking about what I missed out on, what I could have done if I had only stuck at it when I didnt get accepted to drama school. My ambition is such that I cant bring myself to consider other options as more than just passing fancies. I'm not sure if that comes across as I intended it to, when talking about this it is so hard not to sound corny or cliched. I know I am only 17. I have a short term view of the future. I don't know where my life will go. All I can say I do know is that I cannot allow it to start down a road that is not right for me. Although I am confused as to what to do now, I am in no doubt as to what not to do, and thats give up.

I hav'nt really cried about it. Which surprises me. But I think that somewhere inside i still harbour a little flame that tells me it will work out alright and I will find somewhere to go. Maybe I will, things often work out for me. But untill then I will also harbour these little upsetting feelings, self doubt, hurt, sadness, anger and all the rest. But as long as they stay harboured and dont disrupt me getting on with things I see no problem with them staying there untill, hopefully they fade away. The only thing I'm a little worried about is regaining that bit of confidence thats lost. Being a typical teenager I dont have much, so it really is notable in its abscence.

Okay. dwelled enough. On to other things.

I had my first A level exam today. Me being me I got the exam time mixed up and turned up at 9 am for a 1 pm exam. having only had 3 hours sleep this was not cheerey news for me, although it was probably more of a help than a hinderance as I spent my spare hours watching videos that we have watched in class through out the year, which left all the case studies much fresher in my mind to be used in the exam. I don't remember much of the actual event, I used the whole 3 hours and could have done with an extra one as well, whether that is a good or bad thing is debatable, I usually finish early and have time to stare at the clock and make interesting sploges on my blotting paper. The questions were almost the same as the ones I answered in my mock exam, on the same topics of advertising, film gere and news manufacture, but geared towards slightly different elements, so I had to carefully rehash my mock essays, adjusting information where necessary. No I dont remember a word I wrote. Which is a good thing because at least I cant worry about it. But overall it was a good exam. no more for 2 weeks. Yay!

anyway, thats it for today, I could write more but I would have to hold my eyelids open with matchsticks. I'll try and update tommorrow, so untill then, goodnight and thank you for listening.

angel.